Kelli Graves
Just like a lot of people in the 90’s, I thought a base tan was a good thing. Being a redhead, I tried tanning, just never got more than a darker shade of cream. All that changed in my 20’s when I started having suspicious moles removed. It was enough for me to change my ways and become the poster child for sunscreen and bright white skin. We spent weekends boating and camping but, I made sure to cover up and reapply. My friends joked on a trip to Mexico, that I needed another carryon for my sunscreen. Then life happened and my skin checks seemed unnecessary especially since I was being so careful. Five years since my last dermatology appt and it was August of 2017.
My fiancé had just moved in, we were planning a wedding and looking for houses. My daughter just started 1st grade and I got an exciting new job. At my yearly well woman exam, the nurse practitioner did a quick skin check and found a mole on my back. It was large, black, brown, and rough, all bad things. She insisted I make an appt with my PCP to have it removed, she even walked me out to reception and watched me make the appt. Two days later I was back, laughing with my doctor talking about weekend plans, feeling totally confident and oblivious that anything could really be wrong.
I was in orientation for my new job when I got a call from a random number. The voicemail was my doctor, his personal cell, on his day off, calling me in for the results. My fiance and I went together for the news. Melanoma, stage 2 or 3, more testing needed and surgery, asap. The next day I was meeting with the surgeon. He told me he would be shocked if this was in my lymph nodes. Turns out, we were all shocked, it was stage 3 with node involvement. I spent the next several weeks recovering from surgery, googling stage 3 melanoma, being terrified and developing my newfound relationship with anxiety and depression.
It was the beginning of October before I could meet with Dr. Doolittle (Melanoma God). My fiancé, mom, and future mother in law all went with me. Everyone was a mess and had a million questions. I distinctly remember him looking me in the eye and saying “I understand how this feels, but, if you hear nothing else from this appointment, hear this-you don’t have cancer right now. You are cancer free.” Cancer free, not treatment free. November, I started a year of twice monthly Opdivo infusions to prevent a return. Stage 4 is brain, liver, and lungs, no one wants that so, take this new drug and live a long, happy life. It’ll be fine they said, few side effects they said. This will be a breeze compared to chemo. However, it seemed like every week was another side effect and hurdle to get over. Painful, swollen joints, dead thyroid, low potassium, type 2 diabetes, and lymphedema, all with a lot more anxiety and depression. The final straw was pancreatitis. After 5 days in the hospital, my treatment was ended at 9 months because my body just couldn’t take anymore. It was a hard pill to swallow, some pun intended because I can’t tell you how many pills I was on at that point to help with all the side effects. Despite everything, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to feel like I’m still fighting with a miracle drug that will keep me safe for the rest of my life.
October 2020- I’m still cancer free. I had another wide excision last year for a precancerous mole but, other than that, I’ve been lucky. There are days I’m still sad, scared, and really angry. I used to quickly fall down the well of despair, grieving all the things that were taken from me and my family because of Melanoma. The dream of having another baby, the illusion of safety or control, plus all the time worrying and waiting are forever lost. It can be brutal to let go and move on. Having a great support system with a therapist made a huge difference. I learned to go easy on myself, reframe for some perspective and focus on what’s really important. I got better. I didn’t think there would come a day that I didn’t want to cry or scream about the fallout from my diagnosis. It may take a lot of time and patience but, it all gets better. I know that Melanoma is sneaky and relentless. Years, even decades go by before a recurrence can pop up. As daunting as that seems, it also keeps me diligent. Please, please take your skin health seriously. Education and prevention is our best defense.
